My 3 boys and I

September 27, 2007

Lets Put A Stop To This

Filed under: faith,On this day — by my3boysandi @ 9:55 am

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click on the above to link

stop-it-now.jpg

Today I wish to discuss this form of abuse. Before I start I wish to say that I know there are good men out there. Ive finally found one. I have also heard that some women do this to their men. However for the sake my discussion I am going to make men the perpetrators and women their victims.

 

I like many others are hoping that by doing this we can stop even just one person from committing these crimes. It is a crime and its not right to treat others unkindly. These people are bullies.

 

I also hope that by writing this I can open your eyes to what is happening in our neighborhoods. Domestic violence is sometimes hidden. The women dont want this happening. After all they love or have loved their men at some stage in the relationship. They may have been so abused that they begin to think its their fault. This is a form of mental abuse. Abuse doesnt just have to physical. It can also be emotional and mentally committed. These men can play games with your emotions and thoughts. Sometimes by simply asking your neighbor if she is ok can get her talking about what is happening to her.

 

I am reminded of a kindy teacher who asked me if I was ok. Id held it together somehow before that. I ended up crying all over her. But theres nothing wrong with that and it brought me to the stage where I was able to do something about my situation.

 

We need to start caring about our neighbors again. Like in the old days. We need to reach out.

You might be that person that helps and cares enough to make a difference in someones life.

 

I also hope that by writing this I might be able to give you the courage to take the same stand I have taken twice. Say enough is enough. And get out of your miserable life.

 

My story

I have been in 2 abusive relationships with men. One was with my older sons father. The other with a man who turned out to be an ex-manslaughter of a little girl. I say ex because he had served his time. But he hadnt changed much. I will never forget the day I found out who he really was. I lived with this man for 3 months and put my children in danger.

 

My oldest sons father

I started going out with him just after my marriage broke down. We had been friends for years before that. He seemed nice. Abusers often do appear nice in public. They are like Mr Jerkel and Mr Hide. After sometime we moved from my hometown to Christchurch. Abusers like to isolate their victims. Later others told me they could see he wasnt treating me right even before we moved. I couldnt see it then. It wasnt long after moving to Christchurch that things began to turn ugly. He would belittle me in the supermarket. He would throw things like plates across the room at home. We argued. He played with my mind and my feelings. I put up with this for months and months. I remember having a shower when I was preggy with my oldest son and thinking sadly this was going to be my last baby. Although I hadnt fully admitted it then I knew I wasnt going to have anymore babies with this man. Soon after my son was born he wanted another one I said not yet knowing fully well it wasnt going to happen. It still took a year to decide enough was enough. I still had to go through post-natal depression first. What brought me to the point where I decided to end this? One day we were arguing and he pushed me backwards with his hand on my chest across the room until I ended up sitting down on the couch. While he only ever touched me once it was enough. He left and I started making plans. As he was leaving I heard a voice. The voice told exactly what to do. It wasnt my oldest sons father he was gone for the meantime. And this voice was kind of different. Within days I went to an outer country area of Canterbury and stayed with relatives of his. Unbeknown to all of them especially the abuser (he never saw the end coming) I rang womens refuge and left.

 

The 2nd time

My second experience occurred 7 years after leaving the first one. I felt real bad after it happened again they felt like wasted years where I thought I had moved on. However I learnt a lot going through it again. This man seemed nice in the beginning too. But it started very quickly this time. He always wanted his own way. Abusers are very selfish. He too would throw things around. He had no respect whatsoever for any of my belongings. One night he smashed my cellphone to bits with a hammer. He reckoned if he couldnt get hold of me on it then I shouldnt have it. He threw the kids bikes around. He ripped power plugs out of the wall. He reckoned if my kids werent mothered better theyd end up in prison or living lives as whores. I was with this man for 3 months and they were the longest 3 months of my life. We were all scared of him. I remember the kids cowering in one of the bedrooms under the desk. I begged him to behave. I told him about my first experience. It made no difference. One day we were at some swimming pools in South Auckland and he reckoned it was time to go. We had brought both our cars. I insisted we were going to stay longer. He grabbed our bag, thankfully the kids were already dressed. He stormed out I followed him. I fought for my bag in the car park. It had my car and house keys, my clothes and towel in it. I lost the battle and he took off. I gathered my kids and spent the next several hours trying to get home on a Sunday on a bus. I was only dressed in my togs. It was cold and Id had enough. When we got home and after I had broken into my own house I found a note saying he was leaving me. It doesnt matter who left who. I would have done it had he not. Apparently I wasnt obedient enough. I rang him and begged him to come back. I wanted my car back it was the only thing on my mind. I was begging him in a ploy to get my car. He wouldnt come. I rang friends and eventually got my car back. South Auckland is not a good place for a isolated car at night. The next day he came over by that time I had rang the police I had some very inportant information about him. He had been in trouble again when he was with me. When I saw him appraching the house I rang the police again. I was scared of him. It ended up with my children and I jumping though the back bedroom window and fleeding next door. He escaped for the time being. I reflect on that day although I didnt know who he was then I somehow knew he was dangerous.

 

To the Women The Victims

If this sounds too familiar to you. You dont have to live this way. Some Christians may say that marriage is for life. While this is the ideal I dont believe God would want one of his precious children living this way. We are told in the bible to look after our bodies and by staying put and putting up with your mans crap is not honoring God’s command. I also believe contrary to what others have said over the years that God actually told me to get out of that first relationship and not look back. I believe it was Gods voice I heard. I realize there are parts of the bible that call us to submit to our husbands I dont believe God means to the abusive destructive stage.

 

Be brave you will find help if you share whats going on with someone you trust. Its not your fault for the way he is treating you. We are in charge of our own actions. Stay strong and I also urge you that once you get out you seek counselling. I believe its important to learn about the cycle of abuse so you dont do what I did (after the first time) and get yourself in another abusive relationship.

 

To the Men

If my story makes you feel guilty good. Too many men have anger problems. I dont know why you feel like you have the right to treat your women folk in this way. However you guys need to address this. As I said before its not ok to treat women in this way. I am reminded of the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song Face Down. If you dont treat women with the same respect you expect then one day it will probably catch up with you and then youll be sorry. Either that or youll end up lonely and on your own.

 

Do you know what though??? It doesnt have to be this way. I believe it takes a bigger man with much more courage to admit that your not behaving properly and taking steps to changing your behavior. Youll probably need help but it is possible and I urge you to make that stand and contact your doctor, a councellsor, a mens centre or the Citizens Advice bureau in your area today!!!

 

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13 Comments »

  1. You mentioned that people can put on a front and that’s so true. Men and women can put on a facade to make it look like everythings ok, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors though. I’m glad you got out of those abusive relationships and into one that’s good.

    Comment by Amy — September 27, 2007 @ 11:21 am |Reply

  2. Bless you for being so willing to share your heart my friend, I love you.

    Comment by Denise — September 27, 2007 @ 1:19 pm |Reply

  3. thanks Amy

    love you too Denise

    Comment by my3boysandi — September 27, 2007 @ 3:15 pm |Reply

  4. Thank you for sharing your story Jen. My mum was married to an abuser for years, I nearly died from his treatment and I certainly wished I was dead. It’s time that abuse became a public issue, not a hidden one.

    Comment by lovestitches — September 27, 2007 @ 4:06 pm |Reply

  5. Thankyou for sharing your story, Jen. You are right, it’s easy to put on a face while hiding what happens behind closed doors. My sister’s ex-fiance, (she’s happily married to a great man now), abused her for 3 years and we had no idea. The final straw for her was when he totally trashed their house and harmed her cat.

    Comment by mummifiedx5 — September 27, 2007 @ 11:26 pm |Reply

  6. Thanks Jen for sharing your testimony and reaching out to others. I praise God that you are able to glorify him rather than being bitter from your experiences. God bless you for reaching out to others.

    Comment by Kayinpa — September 28, 2007 @ 3:25 am |Reply

  7. you’re a very brave and strong person. Well done you!

    Comment by Monica — September 28, 2007 @ 3:52 am |Reply

  8. My thoughts and prayers go out to you lovestitches
    shame you dont seem to have a blog

    My prayers are with your sister Im glad she found a Mr Wonderful πŸ™‚

    I could never be bitter at God Kay He has done so much for me

    I dont know that I am Monica but I do believe God has brought me to where I am now πŸ™‚

    Comment by my3boysandi — September 28, 2007 @ 6:42 am |Reply

  9. you are very courageous. i’m proud of you for speaking out.

    Comment by she — September 28, 2007 @ 7:55 am |Reply

  10. Jen, you know I’ve been there and have posted the photos and the story before. I was sick today so did not get to share. You are brave to share your story and believe me, it CAN and WILL help others. Thank you for being a voice against abuse.

    Comment by Dariana — September 28, 2007 @ 7:57 pm |Reply

  11. thanks she πŸ™‚

    Dari I hope you get better real soon
    HUGS

    Comment by my3boysandi — September 29, 2007 @ 6:45 am |Reply

  12. That must have been so hard on you. WHat courage it must have taken to write your story. I hope it does help other women out there

    Comment by Melany — September 30, 2007 @ 9:48 pm |Reply

  13. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Jen. I am happy that things are now good for you and God has blessed you with Mr Wonderful. All the things you’ve been through makes Mr Wonderful even more wonderful. πŸ™‚ God bless you, dear friend!

    Comment by Alice Teh — October 1, 2007 @ 1:24 pm |Reply


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