My 3 boys and I

November 25, 2008

I dont tolerate or condone domestic violence.

Filed under: Uncategorized — by my3boysandi @ 9:02 am

Today the 25th of November is White Ribbon Day – the international day for the elimination of violence against women.

I found out about this on Saturday here http://www.stuff.co.nz/4768820a11.html after reading the horrific things that can take place I feel I got off lightly.  However I will share with you my stories of abuse with you.

Case 1

I had just come out of my marriage and felt lucky that someone seemed to love me still.  We had been friends for ages before we started seeing one another.  People told me he wasnt treating me right but I was too “blind” to see.  Not too long after we started dating he told me he’d like to live nearer his dad and in the South Island and so we packed up all our gear and we moved south.  It is common for men to try to isolate their victims.

It wasnt long before his anger escalted here.  He would throw plates across the room.  He sent me out to work part time and while I was gone I later learnt that he abused my daughter verbally.  One day I was putting my baby boy down on the floor to play.  He started to interverve, he believes I punched him, I never touched him.  He hit me then he had me by the tshirt near my throat and was backing me through the room and up against the couch where I sat down.  He was yelling that I was to never hit him again.  I was telling him I hadnt.  He then took off which he did frequently.  I find it hard to forgive myself I use to cuddle my children to get comfort.  Shortly after this esposide I left.

Case 2

7 years later and hopefully wiser I started dating men.  I met one man (amongest others) whom seem so handsome and nice.  Often these men can seem like nice guys.  In fact the first one was like a Mr Jerkel and Mr Hyde.  Nice when he was out in public not so nice when he was home with his family.  He told me the day after we met that he had been in trouble for manslaughter in the past.  He fed me a story about a fight he had gotten into years ago.  I believed him, I shouldnt have, I should have run for the “high hills” then but I didnt.  It was his past and he was so nice and handosme.  I was only with this man for 3 months but it was the longest 3 months of my life.  He had control issues.  If I didnt do exactly as he wanted he would turn nasty.  He would yell, he smashed my cellphone one night with a hammer, he threw our stuff across the room, he threw things that belonged to us out the window as we drove along in the car, he terrified my children.  I can still remeber them hiding under the desk in their room.  He yanked power cords out of the wall.  We eventually broke up when he decided that I wasnt obedient enough.

He left me stranded with just my togs on in a public swimming pools miles away from my house on a Sunday when the public transport system was not working to proper capicity.  My children (8 and 11) were with me thankfully they were dressed already.  Eventually we got home on public transport late at night with only a towel around me.  Hed left.  The next day he returned, we fled out the back bedroom wiondow, I somehow now knew he was terrifying.  I later learnt that the manslaughter story was partly true – he had in fact mistreated a little girl whom ended up dieing.  I grieved for her even though I didnt know her.  He also treated her mother much worse than hed treated me.  Not that that should make any difference.  It doenst matter how badly a man treats you – You dont need to live with men like these in your life.

If you are a female trapped in this situation you dont have to put up with it.  All too often we are made to feel like we deserve it but we arent.  Abuse also doest need to be physical.  It can be mental and emontional.  If you dont feel valued, respected and loved chances are you in an abusive relationship.  No female needs to live in fear.  No female needs to feel its their fault – it isnt!!

Go tell someone you trust.  A neighbour, a friend a family member.  They can help you get your confidence back.  My mother and I dont get on but her one piece of advice that I clung too and I believe helped me take the brave move to get out was she told me if a man ever hits you get out!!  Its not an easy thing to do and may take some planning but do it.  Being a Christain I also believe that God told me to get out too.  I heard his voice firmly the first time.  Go somewhere safe.  I went to Womens Refuge if you dont live in New Zealand I am sure there are organisations in other countries whom will help you.

You dont have to take this.  You dont have to tolerate or put up with this type of treatment.  You are worth much much more.

Today I am wearing a paper ribbon this morning and a more plastic type this afternoon.  I am helping with My Home Schoolers yatching programme and I dont want it to get damaged with water.

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10 Comments »

  1. Jen, I am a survivor too!! Sometimes I have a hard time believing that all those horrid things actually happened to me, but I do know one thing for sure. God never left my side, and even though I was not walking with Him, He stayed close.

    God help every precious woman who is suffering domestic violence. It is a terrifying and lonely world.

    amen and praise Him

    Comment by Leticia — November 25, 2008 @ 10:15 am |Reply

  2. I’m glad you found the strength to get away and find help, Jen.

    A good post with some good advice.

    Have a good week, Jen. 🙂

    Love and hugs,

    Diane

    thanks Diane 🙂

    Comment by Diane Jennings — November 25, 2008 @ 12:18 pm |Reply

  3. Thank you for sharing your story, Jen. I am also sorry to hear about the horrible things that you’ve gone through. Thank God for being with you through those tough times and you’re a tough woman yourself.

    I pray that all women who are in such situations to have strength to extricate themselves and seek help. I also pray that they will find comfort in God who is the only one who can give true comfort and peace.

    thanks Alice amen

    Comment by Alice Teh — November 25, 2008 @ 2:56 pm |Reply

  4. Jen, I’m so glad you’re here today. You would be a very valued volunteer at a shelter for abused women.

    thanks Amy but I dont really have time to do that at the mo home schooling is time consuming worth it though

    Comment by Amy — November 25, 2008 @ 4:48 pm |Reply

  5. I’m so sorry you went through all that, Jen, but I am glad you are speaking up to other women in similar situations.

    thanks Barbara

    Comment by Barbara H. — November 26, 2008 @ 5:33 am |Reply

  6. It takes a lot of courage to share stories like yours, Jen. But if it encourages even on woman to get out of an abusive situation, it’s worth it.

    sure is 🙂 thanks

    Comment by Barb — November 26, 2008 @ 8:21 am |Reply

  7. You are not a victim and surely more than a survivor. You are an inspiration.

    aww youre sweet Mel

    Comment by supermom — November 27, 2008 @ 7:38 am |Reply

  8. Hi Jen.. so glad that you were able to come through this… I know you must be a very strong woman to have gone through all that.

    Banana Pudding is so easy and cheap.
    You need 2 or 3 bananas
    instant vanilla pudding
    milk
    vanilla wafers

    You just mix up the pudding like it says on the box, slice bananas, and layer bananas then wafers then pudding, and do it two times. make sure you cover the bananas with pudding or they will turn brown..then take the wafers and lay them out on the top to make decorations… let it sit in the refrigerator overnight and voila… it’s sooo good!

    Lots of love to you!

    yum!!! thanks

    Comment by Jessica — November 27, 2008 @ 5:20 pm |Reply

  9. I can only imagine what you have been through…..but strength to you! xx

    thanks

    Comment by Heart Felt — November 27, 2008 @ 7:26 pm |Reply

  10. Domestic violence is intolerable as is all violence. We must be careful in all our relationships to prevent this ever happening. We must be careful and take time to really know a stranger as to the potential of being the victim Its hard but once again, prayer is the essential in starting out in a relationship and a friendship. Cos I am now old and look back I see how easy it is to make those errors. Take care dear friend.

    thank you Jan 🙂

    Comment by Jan — November 29, 2008 @ 4:32 pm |Reply


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